Thursday, 29 November 2007

What next 2?

So I was on the Tube tonight. Even more painful than usual as I was on my way to meet some people for dinner, only to arrive and discover that nobody had turned up. So I turned round and went home again.
But that compulsory sitting still has its benefits. I have been dashing round chasing my tail in recent months, but my book is finally finished, my wedding's over and a sense of sanity can return. So it was good to sit and to think. And the thinking was not comfortable for I am worried that I am not being true to myself any more. I am not doing exactly what I think is the best thing to do with my life. I am compromising, settling for mediocrity and the easy option. And I am not happy.
So I am trying to think what I can do about it! I cannot really do a journey that will top my last one, and anything less is not going to attract any interest for future books and money-making activities. Besides, I'm married now - I don't want to bugger off for 4 years any more!
So should I turn to expeditions? Mountains? Polar? Rowing? They are short and sweet and glamorous and are probably the key to me continuing with a career in this game... But, apart from the fact that I would be beginning once again at the foot of a very competitive food chain, I am not sure how much they appeal: years of fundraising and office admin in exchange for a few months of adventure? I think that perhaps I was spoiled on the bike: so cheap, so simple, so good.
And if journeys are out, and expeditions are out, then what, what, what am I going to do? As autumn leaves twirl and spin brightly in the wind and then land and settle and rot, I am watching them with concern...


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